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2011-08-02 . 阅读: 13,436 views


中国人说 “世事洞明皆学问,人情练达即文章”,其实老外也不都是口无遮拦,到处捅娄子的直肠子。虽然中国人是天生的“打太极”高手,给人的感觉总是太过于圆滑,那么,在人际交往中我们却也可以借鉴一下老外一些恰到好处的说话艺术。下面就是Kristyn Kusek Lewis提出的18 Common Phrases to Avoid in Conversation(谈话中应该避免的18句套话),看看其中是不是有好多句是你常常脱口而出的呢?


Woman gasping
Don’t say:“You look tired.”
Why:It implies she doesn’t look good.
Instead say:“Is everything OK?” We often blurt the “tired” comment when we get the sense that the other person feels out of sorts. So just ask.
Don’t say:“Wow, you’ve lost a ton of weight!”
Why:To a newly trim person, it might give the impression that she used to look unattractive.
Instead say:“You look fantastic.” And leave it at that. If you’re curious about how she got so svelte, add, “What’s your secret?”
Don’t say:“You look good for your age.”
Why:Anything with a caveat like this is rude. It's saying, "You look great―compared with other old people. It's amazing you have all your own teeth."
Instead say:“You look great.”
Don’t say:“I could never wear that.”
Why:It can be misunderstood as a criticism. (“I could never wear that because it’s so ugly.”)
Instead say:“You look so good in skinny jeans.” If you slip, say something like “I could never wear that…because I wasn’t blessed with your long legs.”
Expert:Clinton Kelly, cohost of the TLC show, What Not to Wear.
专家:Clinton Kelly,TLC电视台节目《不该穿的》主持人。


Woman drops coffee cup
Don’t say:“That’s not my job.”
Why:If your superior asks you to do something, it is your job.
Instead say:“I’m not sure that should be my priority right now.” Then have a conversation with your boss about your responsibilities.
Don’t say:“This might sound stupid, but…”
Why:Never undermine your ideas by prefacing your remarks with wishy-washy language.
Instead say:What’s on your mind. It reinforces your credibility to present your ideas with confidence.
Don’t say:“I don’t have time to talk to you.”
Why:It’s plain rude, in person or on the phone.
Instead say:“I’m just finishing something up right now. Can I come by when I’m done?” Graciously explain why you can’t talk now, and suggest catching up at an appointed time later. Let phone calls go to voice mail until you can give callers your undivided attention.
Expert:Suzanne Bates, president and chief executive officer of Bates Communications, an executive-training firm in Wellesley, Massachusetts, and author ofSpeak Like a CEO(McGraw-Hill, $22,
专家:Suzanne Bates,Bates沟通(一家位于马萨诸塞州的高层培训公司)总裁、CEO,著有《CEO的说话之道》一书。


Woman ready for vacation
Don’t say:“My current boss is horrendous.”
Why:It’s unprofessional. Your interviewer might wonder when you’d start bad-mouthing her. For all you know, she and your current boss are old pals.
Instead say:“I’m ready for a new challenge” or a similarly positive remark.
不要说: “我现在的老板糟糕透顶。”
因为: 这样说很不专业。你的面试官可能会觉得今后你也会说他的坏话。从你的角度看,他们都是一国的。
Don’t say:“Do you think I’d fit in here?”
Why:You’re the interviewee, not the interviewer.
Instead say:“What do you enjoy about working here?” By all means ask questions, but prepare ones that demonstrate your genuine interest in the company.
不要说: “你觉得我会适合这个环境吗?”
因为: 是你在被面试,不是面试官。
换句话: “你个人觉得这个工作环境最好的是什么部分?”面试中你也可以提问,但最好提些能说明你对该公司非常感兴趣的问题。
Don’t say:“What are the hours like?” or “What’s the vacation policy?”
Why:You want to be seen as someone who focuses on getting the job done.
Instead say:“What’s the day-to-day like here?” Then, if you’ve really jumped through every hoop and time off still hasn’t been mentioned, say, “Can you tell me about the compensation and benefits package?”
不要说: “工作时间怎么样?”或者“假期是怎么安排的?”
因为: 你应该表现出自己可以专心工作的样子。
换句话: “日常工作环境是什么样的?”然后,你就可以得知该公司的工作环境了,要是对方没提到休假的问题,可以说“请问公司的奖惩以及福利制度是怎么样的?”
Expert:Mary Mitchell, president of the Mitchell Organization, a corporate-etiquette training firm in Seattle, and author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Etiquette (Alpha, $19,
专家:Mary Mitchell,西雅图公司礼仪培训公司Mitchell公司的总裁,也是《礼仪指南》一书的作者。


Two women talking
Don’t say:“Are you pregnant?”
Why:You ask, she’s not, and you feel totally embarrassed for essentially pointing out that she’s overweight.
Instead say:“Hello” or “Great to see you” or “You look great.” Anything besides “Are you pregnant?” or “What’s the due date?” will do. Save yourself the humiliation and never ask.
不要说: “你怀孕了吗?”
因为: 要是你问了,可她并没怀,那就实在是太尴尬了,这不就是在说她太胖了吗?
换句话: “你好啊”或“见到你太好了”或“你看起来好极了。”总之不要问“你怀孕了吗?”或者“预产期几号?”就行了。为免尴尬还是不要问这种问题吧。
Don’t say:“Do you plan on breast-feeding?”
Why:The issue can be controversial, and she may not want to discuss her decision publicly.
Instead say:Nothing. Unless you’re very close, don’t ask. If you slip, make up for the blunder by adding, “And do you feel comfortable telling me?”
不要说: “你打算喂母乳吗?”
因为: 这种问题有点复杂,可能引发争论,也有可能她会不想在大庭广众讨论这些。
换句话: 什么都别问。除非你俩特别亲近,否则就什么都别问。要是不小心问出了口,就补上一句:“跟我谈这个不尴尬吧?”
Don’t say:“Were your twins natural?” or “It must have been hard for your child’s birth parent to give him up.”
Why:You’re suggesting that natural conception is better than in vitro fertilization (IVF) or adoption.
Instead say:To a parent of multiples, try a light “Wow, you have your hands full!” To an adoptive parent, say the same stuff you would to any other parent: “She’s adorable!” or “How old is he?”
不要说: “你的双胞胎是自然受孕的吗?”或者“你宝宝的生身父母放弃他肯定特别难受。”
因为: 这么说感觉好像自然受孕就比人工授精或者领养更好。
换句话: 对多胞胎的父母,可以轻松地说:“哇,这么多肯定累死你了。”对收养的父母,说你对普通父母会说的话就行了,比如“她真可爱。”或者“他多大了?”
Expert:Kim Hahn, founder and chief executive officer of Conceive magazine.
专家:Kim Hahn,《孕期》杂志创始人及CEO。


Woman crying
Don’t say:“You were too good for him.”
Why:You are basically saying she has bad taste. And you’ll be embarrassed if they ever patch it up.
Instead say:“His loss!” It gets the same point across without disparaging her judgment.
不要说: “他配不上你。”
因为: 这么说就意味着你觉得她的品味很差。要是他俩又复合了,你就丢脸了。
Don’t say:“I’m glad you got rid of him. I never liked him anyway.”
Why:She’ll wonder about your fake adoration for him while they were together.
Instead say:“I’m confident you’ll find someone who will give you exactly what you want.” It focuses on what’s to come, not on the dud you’re glad she’s done with.
不要说: “你能甩了他我太高兴了。我本来就不喜欢他。”
因为: 她会觉得之前他俩还在一起时你的善意很虚伪。
换句话: “你肯定能找到一个完全符合你要求的男人。”这句话的重点是未来,而且很支持她这样做。
Don’t say:“How could someone as perfect as you still be single?”
Why:A statement like this comes off as a backhanded compliment. What she hears is “What’s wrong with you?”
Instead say:“Seeing anyone?” If she’s tight-lipped about her love life, move on to other topics.
不要说: “你条件这么好,怎么还会单身啊?”
因为: 像这样的赞美听起来有点讽刺的感觉。她可能会听成“你到底有什么问题?”
换句话: “最近有目标吗?”要是她对感情生活讳莫如深,就谈别的吧。
Expert:Bethany Marshall, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in Beverly Hills and the author of Deal Breakers: When to Work On a Relationship and When to Walk Away(Simon Spotlight Entertainment, $23,
专家:Bethany Marshall博士,比福利山地区的心理理疗师,著有《忍无可忍:何时修补裂痕,何时慧剑斩情》。


Don’t say:“You always” or “You never” or “You’re a [slob, jerk]” or “You’re wrong.”
Why:Speaking in absolutes like “you always” and “you’re wrong” is playing the blame game, and resorting to name calling makes your partner feel helpless, which puts him on the defensive and makes a bad fight worse.
Instead say:“I’m upset that you left the dishes in the sink again. What can we do so that this stops happening?” Starting with the pronoun I puts the focus on how you feel, not why he’s in the doghouse, and it will make him more receptive to fixing the problem.
不要说: “你总是……”“你从来都不会……”“你这个[没出息的,混蛋……]”或者“你就是错了。”
因为: 斩钉截铁地说“你总是”或者“你就是错了”这样的话是在说他都是错而你都是对,而恶语相向则会让对方觉得非常无助,他会马上转为自我防御,这会让一场已经很糟的争吵更加糟糕。
换句话: “我不高兴是因为你又把脏盘子放水池不管了。到底怎么样才能让你改了这个坏毛病呢?”用“我”字开始,将重点放在你自己的感受上,而不是为了让他丢脸,这样他会更加愿意接受意见,解决问题。
Don’t say:“If you really loved me, you would...”
Why:The more you treat your partner as if he’ll never satisfy you, the less satisfied you’ll be. Controlling your partner by imploring him to do something isn’t a good way to build intimacy.
Instead say:“I feel taken for granted when you don’t help around the house. I would feel better if we could…” The best way to keep a productive fight from becoming a dirty one is to be clear about why you’re upset and then offer a solution.
不要说: “要是你真的爱我,你就该……”
因为: 你越表现地好像他永远不能满足你,你就越不可能被满足。用威胁哀求让对方做你想让他做的,这种控制对方的方法并不能巩固两人的亲密关系。
换句话: “你不帮忙家务这让我觉得很不被重视。要是我们能……我就会好受多了。”要想保证争执是有建设性的而不是一团糟,最好的办法是直截了当地说明你为什么不高兴,然后提供一个解决方案。
Expert:Terrence Real, a family therapist in Newton, Massachusetts.
专家:Terrence Real,麻省家庭咨询师。




27 Comments On 避免谈话地雷

  1. 呵呵,我都是有话直说,难得绕绕啊的麻烦,其实我如果出生在国外多好嘛。。。。。。。。

    • @美国辉瑞伟哥官网 等遇到比你还直的就不这样想了。关注人,帮助人都的有敏感的心。

  2. 讲话的艺术真的很深厚啊, 还得断续学习,学习,,,
    左岸老师:能否帮我介绍几本 哲学类的入门的书籍,谢谢了, 我想学习下 辩证的思维。

    • @二林 @二林, 是要纯哲学的,还是融入生活的哲学(或叫杂文),我建议看后者,然后过渡到前者,后者的,你可以看看“佛祖在一号线”、黑格尔的“历史哲学”,“你的第一本哲学书”等等都可以。

  3. 语言可以变化无穷 同一个意思能用不同的词句组成,但我们要学的是既表达自己的意愿又不使对方难堪或者使对方听起来舒服

  4. 人是有逆反心理的,有时候有些事,多问个为什么少下个贬低意味的定论,最终结果也许一样,但给人心理感受会完全不同。


  5. 嘿嘿!社会复杂·······

  6. 语言么,博大精深的!

    • @彩虹之爱 @彩虹之爱, 我给孩子分析什么叫有礼貌,有三点,一是“问候”,二是“客气谦让”,三是“诚实,不贪小便宜”,异曲同工。

  7. 有些可以借鉴,但是有一些用外语讲就很OK,翻译成中文说出来的话,就没了味道了。

    • @80后活死人 @80后活死人, 正如这中文被翻译出去,不也一样变了感觉?当感觉变了,可能又别有一番滋味了。

  8. 看这文章刚开始觉得挺有道理,当然其中也有好些让人觉得很没有道理,语言环境、文化背景各有不同的关系吧

    • @无明 @无明, 蔡康永的说话之道就是把别人放在心上,一切都从这里开始。

  9. 人们所说:语言也是一门艺术。语言需要包装,赤裸裸的往往让人接受不了,不是吗?

  10. 不喜欢说那些 好像很奉承的话、。。所以渐渐地不喜欢说话了。。。现在都不知道怎么跟陌生人交谈了。。 左岸老师有没什么好建议啊

  11. 左岸,一直有听说过!

  12. 有些话也要具体情况具体对待了!但是说话尽量直接做人尽量简单还是能为我们省掉不少麻烦!

  13. 还是因人而异的,有些人比较单纯,听了一些话之后可能想的并没那么多,不过这些规律适用于大多数人。

  14. 有两天没有左岸了……哎,2k多的手机丢了,心烦ing……

    • @左岸草 @左岸草, 丢了心爱的东西,会很心痛,我也丢过,慢慢地培养了自己敏感度,重要的东西要把它当作自己身体的一部分,用适当的方法存放,以避免再次的丢失。

  15. 我也刚开始读左岸老师的博文,受益匪浅。目前想重新认识自己,有什么方法?

  16. 有可能自己无心,可是听着就有意了!

  17. 说话是一门艺术

  18. 这个真的很有用,要学习一下,换个方法说话,结果真的会大大不同的!

  19. 我发现在话从口中脱口而出之前,想一想,说的话要智慧很多。

  20. 噢,有道理!

  21. 说话真的是一门艺术,但不管说出来的话是不是会好听,不要让别人觉得你是个难以接近的人就行了